I opened up the wrong folder on my computer and found myself in this moment, a little more than 2 years ago. I had just graduated school, I was finished with my exams and I was on leavers. I was supposed to be happy, but I couldn’t have been further from it. All of the memories of that week are coming back to me in blotchy pieces and I can sum them up in two words; disgust and pain.
I was self destructive and in the depths of my depression and eating disorder. Each day was like torture as I pretended that I was okay. This was the first time that I truly understood the depths of self-loathing. I would sneak outside during the night to use compensatory behaviours and would drink as much as possible in the hopes that something would stop all of the hurting. I remember sitting in the sand while all of my friends played beach soccer, because I was too tired to move. I eventually had to sit up near the car because I felt frozen to my bones. I’m still not sure if they knew I sat up there and cried uncontrollably because I thought they were judging me for being lazy.
I know that others look back on that week with fond memories, but I cannot do anything but cry at their thought. It is almost comical how differently two people can experience one moment…
There was going to be a point to this post, a lesson maybe? Instead I have just found myself caught in the web of eating disorder thoughts that I know all too well. Maybe that’s the lesson, eating disorders are hell. They slowly break you apart from everyone and everything you love and tear your soul to pieces in the process. They ruin even the happiest of memories and use them against you.