I have disconnected, it’s as though I have been pulled out of my own head and I am just watching. Watching as my mum sobs into my shirt and as my hands (are they my hands?) attempt to comfort her. I’m watching from afar and I feel too helpless to help. This isn’t real, it’s just a bad dream.
I pinch myself, but nothing changes. I am screaming internally but it doesn’t reach my lips.
It isn’t my own pain that has shocked me into detaching, it’s hers. I can’t help but feel it because she is hurting so much. Instead of easing her pain I was just mirroring it, making everything worse. That might be why my brain decided to shut down. I don’t remember when it happened, I just seemed to ‘wake up’ while I was washing the dishes. Since then everything has been foggy. I can feel the negative thoughts trying to pull me back into their grips. That only seems to make me feel more distant.
It has taken me too long to write these words and I still don’t know what I’m doing. This is so pathetic.