Today I went to the dentist for the 2nd appointment of many that will span over the next 6 months. My teeth are deteriorating quicker than I can fix them. I haven’t even seen my 20th birthday and I am going to need a root canal and multiple fissure seals. This is what I’ve done to my body, yet it’s not enough to pull me away from this disorder. Even now my mind is reminding me that a little dental work isn’t going to change the fact that I don’t deserve to be labeled as a sufferer of ‘Anorexia Nervosa’. But when will my suffering be “enough”? I have lost friends & family members, missed incredible opportunities, failed classes, lost a job and ruined too many relationships to my mental illness’. Why is that not enough to feel deserving?
My heart is tired and so is my body, yet whatever spurs on this disorder is still blazing within me. It bombards me with the desire to prove my suffering and to be “enough”. The reality is that by accepting that, I have also accepted that I will never again be a functional member of society. I will never know love, admiration or success, the most I can hope for is validation.
It’s sad that all I want is to feel enough.