Things have a tendency to fall apart so much quicker than I can ever put them together.

(This has such a big trigger warning)

Recently I’ve been struggling with an increase in intrusive thoughts and memories, but I thought I could manage them on my own. A few weeks ago I was with a friend (we were, for context, in bed together) and something insignificant brought everything back. I don’t even remember it happening, just that one minute I was here and the next I was there. It was like I was in a tunnel that was nothing but that feeling and it was everywhere. It seemed that all I could do was pull my legs to my chest with my limited strength and sob “I’m sorry” until I couldn’t breathe. I don’t even know how long it took before I could tell that I was in fact, “safe”. The shame and guilt that I felt when I realised what I’d put my friend through was insurmountable. That was the reason I told myself, enough is enough, you need to get help.

After finally mustering up the courage to share this moment with my doctor, I was met with one of the most painful reactions of my life. I wrote an explanation of that event, among a few others and showed it to my Psychiatrist. He took a few moments to absorb what he’d read and responded with:

“have we had a chance to talk about sadism yet?”

By this point I have managed to stop balling my eyes out, purely out of shock. He then talked about how my actions had resulted in my friend feeling pain and how I had deliberately -whether consciously or unconsciously- inflicted this pain on another human being. He attempted to rectify the situation by saying it was “only self-sabotage” and nothing more sinister as well as some other things, but all they did was make everything worse.

This one appointment was enough to see a years worth of hard work and trust, desolated. The foundations of strength and hope I had built for myself now lay like a wreckage at my feet. I am not sure how much I can salvage from this, or even if I want to.

My entire life seems like a disgusting, dirty, lie. I have not struggled and my pain is not valid. I am doing this because it gets me off. I am putrid and vile.


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