I Keep Telling Myself…

As long as I retain a basic level of functioning, it is far too easy to keep my head in the fog of denial. The part of my mind that always doubts my ability to succeed thrives on the fact that I can still classify to most as “healthy”.

My legs have begun to shake when I walk. But their threats to give-out on me before I can reach my destination are easily brushed aside as a sign of being unfit.
I can still walk, I am not “sick”
This morning I awoke to a throbbing pain at each point that held my body’s weight throughout the night. The pain is usually worse at my hip and spreads throughout my back, but it still radiated from my neck, knees, shoulder and ankles.
It wasn’t bad enough to wake me, I am not “sick”
The pain that emanates from my muscles and skin can seemingly increase tenfold by something as simple as a person’s touch. If a mindless pattern is traced to the point of continuous overlapping, it begins to burn with a similar pain to rope or friction.
I’m just weak, I am not “sick”
Food never leaves my mind and it holds power over most all of my decisions. No matter how enthralled I am in a moment/event/topic, I will always be thinking about food.
But I eat too much, I am not “sick”
My body may scrape into the category of underweight, but only slightly. I still run way too hot to function, so ergo I have more than enough fat left to burn.
Then I must be fat, I am not “sick”
Even though my concentration levels are shot and my intrusive thoughts are once again returning, I am still managing to pull myself together.
If I can still work, I am not “sick”

Due to -I assume- one too many people completely invalidate my struggles due to my weight, these thoughts are returning like wildfire. Having been told that my body has accustomed and made my current weight into a “functional BMI” by a trusted psych was the final straw. I just want people to understand how much it hurts to hear that. To be told that I am no longer as bad because I can function makes me want to stop functioning, purely so I can get the help I really do need…


2 thoughts on “I Keep Telling Myself…

  1. I was just having this conversation with a friend on mine. Fortunately my nutritionist doesn’t go by BMI since, because I was an athlete, mine is always normal and at my “healthy weight” it is high. My body fat percent on the other hand is nearly always sub-optimal and that is what they go by.

    I think we all, anorexics, tend to be the most skilled justifiers ever. I can literally justify everything away, and am doing just that. I get an assessment in 2 days and have already armed myself with apologies for being “so fat” and “not sick enough” and “a waste of their time”, despite being the opposite of all those. Since I’m not in double digits how can I possibly be sick??? Ugh, it never seems to end and the further into behavior I go, the more the justifications! 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s really good that you’ve found a nutritionist who adapts their treatment to what you need. I hope that this continues to be the case and you find it beneficial 🙂
      That is very true, I seem to’ve mastered the skill of minimising anything when in talks with professionals. It creates a cycle of not being honest with your doctor/s about how much you’re struggling so you don’t get the help you need and then ending up feeling even less deserving of help.

      Liked by 1 person

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