Slowly but surely I have been managing to separate my past from my present. In no way does this mean that those experiences haven’t influenced who I’ve become or that they don’t effect me -because that couldn’t be further further from the truth. Instead I have been able to sit with the awful feelings and urges that these memories bring without turning towards negative coping strategies. Each time that these instances occur they are still overwhelming, but somehow I am able to get up the next morning and continue forwards. Although I am currently struggling with energy, motivation and patience, all I can do is keep moving. Each step I take seems to be going further into unknown terrain and I am staying hopeful that this is a sign of progress. Dare I say I am optimistic? This is a dangerous path I tread.
As I have been told time and time again; mistakes are to be learnt from, not buried. The more things that I keep crammed within my mind, the more power I am letting my past hold over me. The difference between letting yourself learn from past blunders and hold each of them as a reminder of failure is the onus that you have to carry every day. It slowly amasses until one day, when the weight in your head is so large that your heart is seemingly crushed under its strength. For me this build up was gradual but I have been aware of it for quite a while. I have witnessed the way each memory added to the strain on my hopeful spirit.
I am continuing to remind myself that freedom will only be possible when I am able to rid those past mistakes of their gravity. These moments will always be with me, I cannot change that, but I can decide how much weight they hold over me. A life lived with such a weight between my shoulders is no more than an existence. My hope is that these are the steps I need to take in order to find my way through “recovery”.