I am trying to find a way to admit that I am finding some things difficult while also being able to show that I am the happiest I’ve been. There shouldn’t be an expectation that being in recovery means that you are always “up” or “perfect”, that you don’t still struggle or that you don’t doubt yourself sometimes. Because most people will experience those feelings at some point, if not frequently and that is just the honest truth.
Yesterday I was watching a video I was in and instantly felt repulsed by the person I saw. It threw me completely and I haven’t been able to shake that disgusting image from my head. With that said, I then need to acknowledge that those thoughts have eventually left my mind almost as quickly as they appeared (which previously was nearly impossible). This is why I’m struggling to explain my reality; because I have come a long way but still have a ways to go.
The other day I found myself riddled with memories that I would rather forget, the sort that seem to poke and scratch there way to the forefront of you thoughts. Even then I was able to keep myself present and aware of what was real. It has been weeks (maybe a month?) since I’ve found myself truly overwhelmed by those images and that is real progress if I’m honest.
After inpatient my biggest issue with my intake is being able to be logical/knowledgeable as to how much is “enough” or the dreaded “too much”. Still I have managed to get back into a healthy weight range and am currently working on getting to my healthy weight. I haven’t actively avoided foods/food groups or compensated for my intake. Time spent on the couch with my boyfriend is just that, time with my boyfriend. I don’t spend those hours consumed by my thoughts or fears, instead I get to enjoy the company of my favourite person and actually feel happy.
Putting everything in perspective I’d like to say that I’m doing really well. I can’t expect that the last 6-8 months of persistence in recovery would be enough to rid me of all my learnt behaviours, coping mechanisms and thought processes. So instead I am going to be proud of myself for how much of it I’ve managed to work through.
That’s right, I’m proud of myself.