Dissociation is a word that I fear to use in reference to myself, but it’s the only one I have left. I have become almost accepting of a certain degree of separation within my own mind. This feeling of not even being present when I can see my own fingers typing is no longer a… Continue reading Dissociation
Sometimes procrastination and apathy are reason enough to make it through. Once I had already made a commitment to help someone wash their car, another time I had promised to cover someone’s shift at work (in a months time) and even sometimes I had to sit an exam. Most recently I have honestly just been… Continue reading I Made It To 20
Today I went to the dentist for the 2nd appointment of many that will span over the next 6 months. My teeth are deteriorating quicker than I can fix them. I haven’t even seen my 20th birthday and I am going to need a root canal and multiple fissure seals. This is what I’ve done to my… Continue reading When Will It Be Enough?
One thing that I never understood about eating disorders -that many people don’t- is just how complex they are. At face value, I suppose it is easy to assume that we obsess over food/weight so drastically because we only want to be “skinny”. I am the first to admit that my mind is constantly consumed by… Continue reading The Depth of The Disorder
There are very few things that can simultaneously cause me this much heartache, anxiety and pure rage. Although I can be a very passionate person in a debate I am usually the last person to draw that passion from spite. In fact, true anger terrifies me beyond belief and I try my best to avoid… Continue reading Almost Losing My Cool
Trying to explain the way I perceive my body is something I have always struggled with. My first reaction is to indulge the disordered part of my brain. By doing this I lost any hope of being an effective communicator and usually end up spitting out words which are purely emotionally (read: hatefully) driven. I… Continue reading How I See Myself
“I can never tell how distant I am from myself until I try to return. It’s like swimming so far that you can no longer see the shore; eventually even your concept of reality begins to waver.” The words that were originally destined for this page have been buried in the back of my mind.… Continue reading Discontent